Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
