There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
