The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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