you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
