EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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