we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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