I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
