i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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