he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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