If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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