Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize