There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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