speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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