She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
