I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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