I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
