At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
