How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
