I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
