Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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