I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize