Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
