Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
