Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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