We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
