i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
