Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
