Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
