my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
