Three words: puerto rican gang bang
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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