You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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