but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
