I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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