I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
