did you get engaged???
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
