first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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