We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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