Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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