I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
