I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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