you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
