If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
