In the future we'll all be gay
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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