I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
