True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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