mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
