you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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