i jhust puked up my retainher.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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