he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you would pick up someone in the library
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
