My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
