I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
