he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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