Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
