hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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