What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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