i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
