tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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