After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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