Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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